Friday, December 31, 2010

Hinder - Better Than Me

So true.... After everything I've done.. You deserve much better than me.. :(

Thursday, December 30, 2010

I Totally Give The Fuck up!!!!

So, I think that for once things are going to be ok and I can start to relax a little about everything something more happens...I try to get caught up on everything, then I get behind again...It's literally coming down to the wire... January 1 is just literally hours away and I am already having to give up some of the thing's I picked out that were really nice for the baby because we don't have the money.... The sucky thing about it all... I have NO FAMILY or friends that can throw me a shower and help me aquire the thing's that I need for him so I'm left to do this all on my own.... Tomorrow I'm going to go to the Salvation Army and see if I can't find some clothes onesies and such for him that way.... If I thought I felt shitty yesterday, then tonight I just feel like an even bigger piece of it!
  I'm sitting here right now trying not cry.... I feel so useless... I can't even get the thing's that I want to because we just don't have the money... And I can't count on Rick's family to help.. His Mom and Dad are bitching they're broke, and his sister I guess is too worried about her own shit to care....It's time's like this I wish .... Hell, I don't know  what I wish anymore..... Now, I feel like I should just lay down and die and not even be here at all.... I'm just so sick of trying and getting no where.... I am the biggest fuck up that ever lived ..... It will NEVER change... It could have changed, but I was just too stupid and too lazy to make it......... :(  I have a wonderful husband who thinks I'm nothing more than a lazy fat ass bitch who only cares about herself ( which isn't true).... I only deserve what I get.. And I guess Karma is coming back to bite me in the ass......

Rihanna - Love The Way You Lie (Part 2) ft. Eminem LYRICS

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Feeling Really Shitty now...........

Well, I went to see my phsyc Dr. today ... He prescribed me Serequel, a 30 day supply of Ambien to take if the Serequel and upped my Lamictal to 75 mg.... On the way down to the Dr. I started to feel really shitty.... I'm really actually excited about Hawk and can't wait to meet him.... But with the other's I happy to be pregnant, but just "lost it" after awhile... I just feel like such a piece of shit mother ! Not to mention I am having the stress and pressure of figuring shit out about baby stuff, bill's, ect.... And I'm having to listen to Rick tell me how bad his fucking life and how much he wishes he was dead ...... Like I don't feel bad enough already for the things that have happened and feel bad enough alone for the shit that's happening now... Thanks a million....... I start therapy on the 13th of Jan, but Rick can't come because this therapist is a BITCH! IDK....I'm just so sick of this shit! Not to fucking mention Rick spent all that time oustside shoveling snow and to get the Truck unburried the other day and for what ? SOME ASSHOLE parked in our spot today when we got back! It pisses me the fuck off! The rest of the parking lot is NOT plowed, no one parks in the neighbors spot which is the 1st one.. But they think they can park in mine ? Fuck that! You didn't shovel it out! What makes you so special ? I am just so fucking pissed ... And tired and have a huge headache.. But it doesn't matter..... Never does........ Wished I could just crawl in a hole and fucking die!

Monday, December 27, 2010

We Made A Mutual Decision Today.....

Well, I got really pissed off today and found out that my hospital where I was going to have Hawk lied to me! They told me you could videotape your birth and I found out today that you cannot..... So after alot of talking, Rick and I have decided that we are going to do a home birth! Not only for the video taping reason, but because I want my children to be involved in the birth, and I want it to be on MY TERMS! I don't want medical intervention unless it's absolutely needed!!!!  I want it done in my home so I don't even have to go to the hospital..... I want him to come into an environment that is quiet, calm, and surrounded by just me Daddy and kids! So, I found a midwife, and we have an appointment on Jan 3, to meet them and see if they will take it.. Then they have to get prior approval through my insurance.... I will know more by then.... I am so hoping this works out! I would love to have him at home!!!!!!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

The more you try, the more it just comes crashing down around you.......

So , the past day or so has been good.... Rick and I are actually .... At peace with one another....We had a very very fun night of sexual bliss last night and tonight we are both just exhausted... I took my meds, including my last ambien, and it's starting to take it's affect already so if this comes out like jibberish I'm sorry...I am beginning to wonder why I even try sometimes.... It's like no matter what I do to get us to the top, things NEVER go that way!!!! I keep sitting here, wondering why I even try anymore ? I get this feeling in the pitt of my stomach and then it suddenly rises to my heart and then I get that over welming feeling that makes me just want to break down and cry..... I've made some pretty stupid choices in my life, and apparently I always will! It's like no matter what I try to do to catch up on bill's, I just can't.... I have this baby coming in less than 4 months and I can't do this!  My husband is the most amazing man I have ever met..... He is loving, and tender, and he truly is my best friend..... Even after all we've been through..... I feel like such a failure as a wife and mother ... I never completed the things I wanted to.. I just made excuces as to why I couldn't.... Or wouldn't.. Like going back to school and getting a job so we didn't have to struggle.... Now I have a baby coming, more bill's.... And barely any money..... *sighs* My husband is so amazing I have a suprise for him when I get done writing this.... He loves it when I sing him this song...I haven't  done it in quite awhile... And I know he'll love it.... I'm just beginning to think at this point we're never going to get caught up, and this baby will have almost nothing on his little butt when he comes home!!!!!!!

Saturday, December 25, 2010


I know that I am not the perfect wife, or mother.... And I know that I don't always show it but I am working on it.... I know that if it were a year ago we'd probably barely be speaking, even divorced...... So, to show my token of love... I am writing 10 reasons why I love you.... I hope you like.... And I'm serious in what I say so please no joke...

1. Your a wonderful Father. Even though you don't think so, you are great.. And if it wasn't for you, the kids wouldn't really have anyone "stable".

2. You are a wonderful husband.

3. Even when you feel your shittiest, you still manage to pull something from deep down inside of you and continue moving on.

4. You have a wonderful heart. Even though you have been through so much in your life, and I have put you through so much...

5. You take care of us.

6. Your sexy

7. Your a great lover

8. Your a great friend

9. & 10. Because no matter what, in everything I have ever done to both you and the kids, for all my faults and all my mistakes... You still love me and I go to bed every night wondering why.... Why your still here, and why you love me at all....

I love you, and I know that I don't always show it, but my life revovles around you and our children... And I don't know what I'd do if I ever woke up and you were gone from our lives.... Your truly my best friend and I don't ever want to lose you again...... And even though we've been through so much, and been apart not a day goes by that I wish I couldn't take it all back and make us what we once were......

Merry Christmas!!!!

Merry Christmas everyone! My children started  waking at 5 AM this morning for the big event! Romero, not wanting to wait for everyone else.... I did finally get a little bit of sleep, but it's funny because my body doesn't really feel that "well rested".... Maybe I can actually go to sleep tonight and get more.... 3 day's with no sleep is alot on your body.... The kids enjoyed their presents. Cobra got what he really wanted for Christmas, that was a WWE wrestling ring with wrestlers.... Romero got alot of stuff, but is a little disappointed he didn't get the "Big Foot" he wanted.... All in all it's been a pretty quiet day so far... Shelby got a bunch of makeup, princess tea set, a baby doll, barbies.... She's been playing quietly in her room all by herself, and the boy's are sitting here wrestling.... We had an early dinner/lunch and me and Rick are tired.... I got some really comfy fuzzy socks from Romero along with a pair of fuzzy warm gloves, Shelby got me an indoor thermometer with hummingbirds on it, and Cobra got me a beautiful Butterfly calander! I got my Christmas present from Rick early this year and that was my wedding ring set  and he also got me a pair of slippers because my feet have been so cold lately.... I feel bad because I didn't get Rick anything, but told him it would be  a few days for his gift..... :( Wish I could have gotten him what I really wanted too..... In a few day's I will though.. Besides the never ending mess in my kitchen, and the urge to pee more often than I'd like, I'm actually not in that bad of a mood.... Just tired and hurting......  Well, Merry christmas everyone! 

Friday, December 24, 2010

How I Met My Husband......

My husband and I didn't meet in society's "normal" way as you might call it.... We met in the new age.. LOL... I was about 16 year's old maybe 17 and was on the latest internet fad... WEBTV! ( No longer around)....I happened to be in one of my favorite chatroom's one day when a screen name popped up in pink.. ( that's how you new it was a private message)... The name I will enver forget...ZombieCatfish... He said hello, and I just ignored him... I kept ignoring him and he wouldn't leave me alone... Finally, I  said something to him... We started talking and clicked....I was grieving, and so was he... He had just lost someone very close to him, and I was mourning the loss of my mother... We began talking everyday.. All day, all night.... He was late for work because we just couldn't stop talking... I found myself falling quickly...Being so young I figured he was just out for a piece of ass..I kept all my feelings from him.. The worst mistake of my life......
  Once I realized that what I was feeling was love..... I got scared...I ended up changing my email address and ignoring him totally.... I missed him dearly, but I just couldn't tell him I was in love with him... I figured with my age, he'd reject me.. or he would tell me that we could only be friends and that was it... I couldn't handle that.... So a year or so went by and I met someone else online.. Around my age.... His name was Brandon..We met the same way and became the best of friends.... By this time I had dropped out of school, and I secluded myself from the rest of the world.... Brandon and I talked non stop.....
 At 17 I ended up marrying for the first time to someone I thought I loved.... He was 20 year's older than me, and blind... I worked and he collected disability... We had a big age difference between us so of course he didn't understand being a teenager..Once we got married, he changed.. Became very abusive... Yelling and screaming, hitting.... We decided to move out of town and try and buy a house.... By this time he had bought me a computer and I was alway's online.... And in the back of my mind, I was alway's thinking of him...
  One night I was talking to Brandon on MSN when he asked me if he could bring a friend of his into the conversation... I didn't care.... So he brings in a screen name that made me stop dead in my tracks... ZombieCatfish....I immediately started punching away at the keys.... OMG OMG OMG!!!!! It was him!!! My heart just jumped... I began talking to him asking how everything was and if he missed me, and what not all the while Brandon was in total confusion .... I told him that this is the guy I was talking to him about.... He couldn't believe it... I immediately sent an email to Rick ( my husband) telling him how I felt... And the reason I ran away was because of my feelings.... It was then that my heart sank..... He wrote me back and replied... "I love you too"...... It was then that him and I started our own conversation and caught up on the past year.... A few nights later, I decided that I had enough and wanted out ... that's when he decided that we had to be together... So, I wrote a bum check on my husbands and I's joint account and booked.... Took a 31 hour bus ride from Missouri to New York and the rest is history.......

Thursday, December 23, 2010

When Will I Sleep ?????

So, this makes day 2 of my wonderful sleepless adventure! It started Tuesday night ... I tossed and turned, and got up every 2 hours literally to go pee...Then last night I even took a shower.... I took my usual.. My lamictal, my folic acid, my benedryl... Still nothing.... I am so tired!!! I layed in bed all day today trying to fall asleep and still nothing!!! I called my Dr. ( the physc) and left a message for him.. He finally call's me back and tells me that he wants me to increase my benedryl up to 100 mg, and take 2mg of halidol with it... It  that doesn't work to go up to 4 mg.... If I still haven't slept by Monday to call him back..... *sighs* I am so tired! My body is so tired.... But I can't sleep... I don't know what's wrong...I am just so tired and all I want is sleep!!!! I wish that my husband could understand.. he thinks its really no big deal, but me going without sleep is not good for the baby and he's already starting to feel the affects of it.... He's not moving as much as he normally does... Benedryl is safe during pregnancy, and walking is out of the question when there's snow on the ground and I can barely walk anyway due to the fact that my hips and my back are fucked!!! *sighs* I just want some peaceful sleep and I can't seem to get that! Not to mention the kids are officially on Christmas Break!!! Yea!!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Hormones ???? Or REALITY ???

So, last night as I'm laying in bed I began to cry....My husband asks me what's wrong and all the sudden the flood gates open and here come the emotions... Suddenly I am laying there crying uncontrollably, and I feel like the biggest piece of shit that ever lived! Of course he asks me what's wrong and I just didn't even know where to start..... He keeps asking me what's wrong so I break down and tell him.. That I feel like the most horrible person in the world....Not just because I'm pregnant  but because I am bringing another child into this world that I really can't take care of, my children are soooo fucked up because of my mistakes .... Walking out on my kids, never being there, cheating on my husband.. Fact is I don't deserve him or my children..... But something that I fail to realize or want to accept is that for some strange reason..... No matter what I've done...... My children still love me..... I don't know why on Earth they do, but they do.... Cobra is alway's looking for the perfect gift for me for Mother's Day, Christmas, My Birthday.... Everything has to be the perfect gift....... I just really makes you think and wonder why me ? After everything, why is my husband still here  ??? Why does he still love me  when he should have nothong but the upmost hate and disgust for me ??? Why does he stay ???  Why do my kids love me ? I want it all to be different with Hawk... I want him to grow up with me there... I don't want to go through the same shit I did with them.... I suppose it's better late than never....

 On another note I will be so glad when he's here!!!! I haven't slept all day or all night and I am utterly EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tried laying down today and couldn't fall asleep!!!!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Living in a Country that is falling apart!

I have quickly become a fan of the show Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura and I have quickly come to the realization that everything he's said actually makes sense...I mean... Come on.. Last week's episode was totally an eye opener... It was about 911.... How there is evidence that a plane NEVER hit the pentagon! A woman was an eye witness.... She said it sounded like a bomb going off, and she literally got up and walked out of the hole that it created and she doesn't remember seeing a plane... None of the news footage that was released show's any signs of a plane.... The plane was going way too fast to even hit the building.. There are just too many holes in the government and FBI's story of what really happened. They claimed they NEVER found the 4 black boxes of those plains, but yet there are several people who have seen them..... What really get's me is living in a country where the government is trying kill it's people..... The land of the free and the home of the brave my ass! I mean really wtf! Seriously, everything that he bring's to the table every week does make a lot of sense... It just really makes me sick to think that I'm bringing my children up in a world that is trying to slowly kill us all off.... I wish I could win the lottery and move somewhere like Canada.... Your health insurance is paid for, your car insurance, you can leave your front door open and unlocked at night and you don't have to worry at night about someone coming into your house... Your not living in a world where it's falling apart!!! It's depressing! No matter how much you try and get ahead in this world, that fucked up wanna be president just fucks you over even more! I mean seriously, this new health bill/law he's trying to get passed.. Yea it may benefit some, but what about the one's that he's trying to fuck over ? He's trying to get rid of medicaid and medicare all together just to get another fucking buck in his pocket and the pockets of those money hungry insurance theives! I mean seriously! He wants  to punish and fine those that don't have health insurance! What about those people who are disabled and who can't work ? That have to be on medicaid in order to get their health concerns addressed and taken care of ? Your going to fuck them over by telling them they just have to suffer ? I mean seriously! That's stupid! This country made the biggest mistake of their lives when they elected that no good islam bastard into office! he's done nothing but make things worse for us in this country and I hope they don't pass his healthcare reform! It's stupid!!! And alot of people are going to die because of it!!!! ****GRRRRRR***** I fucking  hate the governement, and everyone in it! They're doing nothing for us! I bet our 4 father's are turning over in their graves!!!! They didn't create this country and the government for it to turn out like this!!!!