Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Hormones ???? Or REALITY ???

So, last night as I'm laying in bed I began to cry....My husband asks me what's wrong and all the sudden the flood gates open and here come the emotions... Suddenly I am laying there crying uncontrollably, and I feel like the biggest piece of shit that ever lived! Of course he asks me what's wrong and I just didn't even know where to start..... He keeps asking me what's wrong so I break down and tell him.. That I feel like the most horrible person in the world....Not just because I'm pregnant  but because I am bringing another child into this world that I really can't take care of, my children are soooo fucked up because of my mistakes .... Walking out on my kids, never being there, cheating on my husband.. Fact is I don't deserve him or my children..... But something that I fail to realize or want to accept is that for some strange reason..... No matter what I've done...... My children still love me..... I don't know why on Earth they do, but they do.... Cobra is alway's looking for the perfect gift for me for Mother's Day, Christmas, My Birthday.... Everything has to be the perfect gift....... I just really makes you think and wonder why me ? After everything, why is my husband still here  ??? Why does he still love me  when he should have nothong but the upmost hate and disgust for me ??? Why does he stay ???  Why do my kids love me ? I want it all to be different with Hawk... I want him to grow up with me there... I don't want to go through the same shit I did with them.... I suppose it's better late than never....

 On another note I will be so glad when he's here!!!! I haven't slept all day or all night and I am utterly EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tried laying down today and couldn't fall asleep!!!!

1 comment:

  1. Cobra and I went to the store and he picked out the perfect Xmas gift for mom . He also picked out gifts for Shelby & Romero to give to mom .