tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86172008419763527042024-03-14T05:02:50.279-04:00My Bipolar DiariesWelcome to my Diary. This is an inside look into my mind of bipolar. Not only my bipolar, but also a look into my personal views, and other things.Beautiful Mistakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13352982949727289825noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8617200841976352704.post-26982812767142631372011-01-09T00:18:00.000-05:002011-01-09T00:18:50.708-05:00BULL SHIT DRAMA I DONT NEED OR WANT!!!!<strong><em><span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Ok so get this fucking shit...Apparently, ( and I just found this out the other day) my sister in law's stupid ass alcoholic boyfriend decided before Christmas that he was leaving her for his ex.. Mind you this is NOT the first time he's done this.... Now, I don't really give 2 shits what his problem is or why he keeps doing this but the only way that I really care about it is because everytime he does this it fucks with Shelby really badly because she's attatched to him and call's him "Uncle Billy"..... Anyway apparently his ugly ex man lady person sent him a card before Christmas saying she was coming back and for him..... So he decided that he was leaving.... So the other day he left! Well, I had some shit going on with Shelby and I called to tell her how it was going and this bitch is so self absorbed and cares nothing at all about anyone but herself that she had the nerve to tell me "I can't talk right now, I don't wanna talk right now".. So I said Whatever and hung up on her.... She tried calling me back and I ignored her call! Fuck her! If she's too self absorbed and cares about nothing more than her fucking stupid ass alcoholic boyfriend leaving her than she does her own REAL FAMILY then fuck her ass! So Jasmine ( my niece) made a comment on Facebook about how could he leave her mom for an ugly man lady... Well Rick made a comment being himself and she replied "Thanks real fucking nice that my own family gives a fuck about me" or some shit like that... So I replied back and told her "Yea well I can say the same thing for you! You would rather give 2 shits about his dumb fucking ass than your own neice and newphews" .... So she fires off at the fucking mouth tonight. Calling me a whore, and a bad mother and all this other shit..... Fact of the matter is, I'm not the one who sits on their lazy fat ass and expects for everyone to do feel sorry for me! All she does is cry and whine and pitch a big ol' fit like a fucking baby when she can't get what she wants! For God's sake she uses my poor mother in law for her personal ATM ALL THE TIME and bitches at my poor mother in law for not having money there avaialble for her!!!! I mean granted Rick and I owe his parent's money, but at least we make an effort to pay it back unlike her! </span></em></strong><br />
<strong><em><span style="color: magenta; font-family: Arial; font-size: large;"> I told her to go fuck herself! I mean fuck her! When I was 18 weeks pregnant and in the hospital I almost went into labor with the baby she didn't even have the nerve to call me or come see me! I had to call her! When I did call her all she could complain about was how she was bleeding excessively and didn't want to go to the hospital because she knew they would admit her.. Well.. NOT MY PROBLEM! If you KNOW you need help, and you refuse to get it then what happens to you is all your fault and no one else's!!!!!!!! Fact of the matter is my sister in law is one of those that whine's, gripes, bitches, moans and groans but is too lazy to do anything for herself! she lockes herself in her bedroom all the time, and only comes around family when it's conveinent for her! Now mind you I offered to help her.... I told her I couldn't help her if she didn't talk to me..But she just "shuts down" and doesn't.... What really get's me is that she KNEW he was leaving and she had plenty of time to get used to the idea and get over it!!!!!!! So she starts running her 400lb fat fucking mouth telling me that I'm a horrible mother and I care more about my boyfriends and shit than I do my own kids and I'm a whore and everything else... I admit fully to everyone now more than ever that I have fucked up!!!! I admit that! But unlike Kim I am getting help for my issues! I am on my medication *unlike her* and going to therapy and to see a Dr. Why ? Because I fucked up a lot in my life but more so with my husband and my children and I want more than anything for that to be better than it ever was or could be!!!! And I am working hard for that!!!! So yea, the old me may have been a horrible person, but I am working everyday to become a better one! What can she say for herself ? She let's her daughter dress like a whore ( No offense to my niece I love her), Rick thinks that she's pimping her out.....LOL...She refuses to get Jasmine on medication or into therapy ... She talks about me..... Then she tries to tell me that I have tried to dump Shelby off on her and shit... Fact of the matter is when we're not medication and Shelby needs an adjustment I have asked Kim to take her from time to time because I can't handle her .....But Shelby has gotten to the point where she doesn't want to go to Aunt Kimmies house because it smell's like cat piss, and it's dirty! Kim has a lot of issues.. She's fucking sick and I'm going to be sad at the day when my inlaws die, but laugh @ her when her personal ATM is gone and she can no longer drain her bank account!!!! And what Kim fails to realize is that my mother in law is her dedicated payee.. SSI and Disability have stated (I saw with my own eyes) that she cannot handle her own money because of her mental issues.. When my mother in law is gone and dies, her money and management will be left up to another family member or a state agency will take over..... It has to be someone she can trust ... She doesn't have many people...She's just a lonely soul.. Everytime she has a BF they leave her for someone else or they go back to their wives or some shit.... It's quite funny..... </span></em></strong><br />
<strong><em><span style="color: magenta; font-family: Arial; font-size: large;"> She plays herself off to be QUEEN FUCKING BEE.. When all she really is ... Is just a lonely, sad fat ass bitch who's going to lose more than just her family..... I told her I'm done... She's no longer welcome to come to the hospital to see my son when he's born and she is to stay away from my kids....... I won't be on for awhile after Monday.... We are losing our internet and phone until Feb 1st.... Anyway I'm done with her fat ass and her fucking drama! I have reall issues to worry about and deal with.. Not just "Oh boo hoo.. Feel sorry for me because I had a man leave me again"........ Fact of the matter is if she wasn't so ugly, fat, and treated them so poorly she might still have a man...LMMFAO......</span></em></strong>Beautiful Mistakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13352982949727289825noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8617200841976352704.post-8273083703040881062011-01-04T20:50:00.000-05:002011-01-04T20:50:57.548-05:00I Can't Keep Doing This......<strong><span style="color: magenta; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">So, once again we find ourselves at the wonderful time of day... BEDTIME! The kids had a bath for the first time in a few weeks.. ( NO NOT LIKE THAT) Most of the time they take showers because #1. it's easier on us, #2. it takes so long to fill up the bath tub, they make a mess and they like to be in there forever until the water is ice cold! So, I let them take a bath tonight so Shelby could use her bubble bath that Santa brought her... Well, when she gets out I always tell her brush her teeth and let's brush out her hair. If I don't brush out her hair the night before, it's so much of a mess the next morning that she screams.. I told her to get herself dressed and such, and that I would brush out her hair when she was finished... She started with a screaming fit ! She started screaming because I wanted to brush her hair and I wouldn't let her bring a toy into my bedroom that was filled with water and would drip water all over my floor. She screamed for a good 2 hours having a fit! Throwing stuff, threatning to kill me and the baby.... I am in the kitchen trying to do dinner dishes and load the dishwasher and she's all the way at the other end of the house screaming and the baby can still hear her.... He's kicking and flipping up a storm.... I can't deal with much more of this... She has an appointment on the 17th with a physc Dr. to manage her meds but OMG! This is not working... I am going to end up in pre-term labor because of her! Not to mention it stresses me out to the max and Rick certainly isn't getting any better.... Having her put in the hospital is NOT AN OPTION AGAIN! I've done that once and I can't do that to her again... Eventhough I get stressed out and can't handle it, I can't put her in the hospital again so this Dr. better not even try to go there with me! I have recorded video of her on my camera throwing things, screaming, pictures of the stuff she's broken..... I just can't handle this anymore ! Oh let's not forget that I had to fucking hear about how I should just give birth to Hawk and leave and get a divorce! That I'm no good, I'm worthless, I'm a fat ass lazy bitch, ect.... ect.....I'm just so sick of this! At this point I'm begging to be hit by a fucking MAC TRUCK! Maybe then everyone would be happy! </span></strong>Beautiful Mistakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13352982949727289825noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8617200841976352704.post-5966823799099616722011-01-02T21:02:00.000-05:002011-01-02T21:02:03.942-05:00I'm Going To End Up In PreTerm Labor.......<strong><span style="color: cyan; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">So, not only have I been dealing with my own issues with trying to figure out how to get baby stuff and what not before he get's here.... Well, I posted an add on craigslist trying to find anyone in the area that might have some baby boy stuff they might have that they would like to get rid of or sell for a cheap price... Well, I got several responses... People with car seats and bassinets and such.. Then I got an email from a woman who has a 19 month old little boy and she said that she had baby clothes from 0-9 mos. possibly 12 mos, a car seat, a bassinet, ect... She said all the stuff was donated to her, so she was willing to donate her stuff to me.... She even has a crib that she has no mattress for, but she's willing to get rid of it all!!! I have appointment tomorrow in Troy anyway because Rick and I have decided that we want for our final child to be born at home.... So we are going to meet with the midwives and such and when I'm done we are going to see about picking the stuff up.... It is a huge relief off my shoulder's if we actually get this stuff because then I will really only have to worry about diapers, wipes, bottles, binki's and such.... </span></strong><br />
<strong><span style="color: cyan; font-family: Times; font-size: large;"> Shelby has been getting worse... The mirror that's on my spare bathroom door she punched the other night and broke it! She's out of control.... Dr. Adeson think's she might be having seizures.. And if so, then the type of seizure she's having, is causing an alter of her moods .... If not, then she is just seriously crazy... I don't know.. But everytime she starts her shit I feel bad because I walk away from her and leave Rick to deal with it.. Everytime she starts I have to.... The baby is starting to flip out everytime she does this! He'll be fine, and then all the sudden her change in attitude or the slightest high pitched voice and he just starts flipping out .. Even causing me to contract the other night it was so bad!!!! He can't even tolerate her voice and shit! She has totally trashed her room, refuses to do anything flips out at the slightest bit of a mood swing..... It's horrible! She has an appointment on the 17th with a Dr. to manage her meds and hopefully by then we'll know if she's having seizures or not.....I just can't take much more! If she keeps this up I'm going to end up going into premature labor!!! She's now scareming in her room that no one cares about her! She takes Clonodine, and Melatonin to help her sleep.. She hasn't even been in there long enough to try and fall asleep!!! She's screaming that she wants a Benadryl to help her sleep!!!! I can't take much more of this! My father in law is here tonight and I think she's acting out because he's here.... He's spending the night so that he can get the kids on the bus tomorrow and get them off if we're not home in time.......</span></strong><br />
<strong><span style="color: cyan; font-family: Times; font-size: large;"> I am just so tired of this! I got up early today because Rick was sick last night so I wanted him to get some rest but I woke up feeling really shitty because my throat is sore, my nose is stuffy again and I feel like I'm getting sick again! I want to take a shower, but I'm tired and I've got a huge headache! *sighs* I just don't know what to do anymore.... At this point I give up..... </span></strong>Beautiful Mistakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13352982949727289825noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8617200841976352704.post-87070539246973889912010-12-31T23:46:00.000-05:002010-12-31T23:46:08.166-05:00Hinder - Better Than Me<iframe height="295" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/TEXBmw2jBcA?fs=1" frameborder="0" width="480"></iframe><br />So true.... After everything I've done.. You deserve much better than me.. :(Beautiful Mistakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13352982949727289825noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8617200841976352704.post-69342366000260778152010-12-30T22:45:00.001-05:002010-12-30T22:51:07.303-05:00I Totally Give The Fuck up!!!!<strong><em><span style="color: lime; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">So, I think that for once things are going to be ok and I can start to relax a little about everything something more happens...I try to get caught up on everything, then I get behind again...It's literally coming down to the wire... January 1 is just literally hours away and I am already having to give up some of the thing's I picked out that were really nice for the baby because we don't have the money.... The sucky thing about it all... I have NO FAMILY or friends that can throw me a shower and help me aquire the thing's that I need for him so I'm left to do this all on my own.... Tomorrow I'm going to go to the Salvation Army and see if I can't find some clothes onesies and such for him that way.... If I thought I felt shitty yesterday, then tonight I just feel like an even bigger piece of it! </span></em></strong><br />
<strong><em><span style="color: lime; font-family: Times; font-size: large;"> I'm sitting here right now trying not cry.... I feel so useless... I can't even get the thing's that I want to because we just don't have the money... And I can't count on Rick's family to help.. His Mom and Dad are bitching they're broke, and his sister I guess is too worried about her own shit to care....It's time's like this I wish .... Hell, I don't know what I wish anymore..... Now, I feel like I should just lay down and die and not even be here at all.... I'm just so sick of trying and getting no where.... I am the biggest fuck up that ever lived ..... It will NEVER change... It could have changed, but I was just too stupid and too lazy to make it......... :( I have a wonderful husband who thinks I'm nothing more than a lazy fat ass bitch who only cares about herself ( which isn't true).... I only deserve what I get.. And I guess Karma is coming back to bite me in the ass...... </span></em></strong>Beautiful Mistakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13352982949727289825noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8617200841976352704.post-54267893401920160352010-12-30T14:28:00.000-05:002010-12-30T14:28:41.672-05:00Rihanna - Love The Way You Lie (Part 2) ft. Eminem LYRICS<iframe height="295" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/2B50RUXbs-8?fs=1" frameborder="0" width="480"></iframe>Beautiful Mistakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13352982949727289825noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8617200841976352704.post-1213088631303183662010-12-29T12:43:00.000-05:002010-12-29T12:43:03.295-05:00Feeling Really Shitty now...........<strong><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Well, I went to see my phsyc Dr. today ... He prescribed me Serequel, a 30 day supply of Ambien to take if the Serequel and upped my Lamictal to 75 mg.... On the way down to the Dr. I started to feel really shitty.... I'm really actually excited about Hawk and can't wait to meet him.... But with the other's I happy to be pregnant, but just "lost it" after awhile... I just feel like such a piece of shit mother ! Not to mention I am having the stress and pressure of figuring shit out about baby stuff, bill's, ect.... And I'm having to listen to Rick tell me how bad his fucking life and how much he wishes he was dead ...... Like I don't feel bad enough already for the things that have happened and feel bad enough alone for the shit that's happening now... Thanks a million....... I start therapy on the 13th of Jan, but Rick can't come because this therapist is a BITCH! IDK....I'm just so sick of this shit! Not to fucking mention Rick spent all that time oustside shoveling snow and to get the Truck unburried the other day and for what ? SOME ASSHOLE parked in our spot today when we got back! It pisses me the fuck off! The rest of the parking lot is NOT plowed, no one parks in the neighbors spot which is the 1st one.. But they think they can park in mine ? Fuck that! You didn't shovel it out! What makes you so special ? I am just so fucking pissed ... And tired and have a huge headache.. But it doesn't matter..... Never does........ Wished I could just crawl in a hole and fucking die! </span></strong>Beautiful Mistakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13352982949727289825noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8617200841976352704.post-34273879611424781702010-12-27T21:25:00.000-05:002010-12-27T21:25:55.618-05:00We Made A Mutual Decision Today.....<strong><em><span style="color: magenta; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Well, I got really pissed off today and found out that my hospital where I was going to have Hawk lied to me! They told me you could videotape your birth and I found out today that you cannot..... So after alot of talking, Rick and I have decided that we are going to do a home birth! Not only for the video taping reason, but because I want my children to be involved in the birth, and I want it to be on MY TERMS! I don't want medical intervention unless it's absolutely needed!!!! I want it done in my home so I don't even have to go to the hospital..... I want him to come into an environment that is quiet, calm, and surrounded by just me Daddy and kids! So, I found a midwife, and we have an appointment on Jan 3, to meet them and see if they will take it.. Then they have to get prior approval through my insurance.... I will know more by then.... I am so hoping this works out! I would love to have him at home!!!!!! </span></em></strong>Beautiful Mistakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13352982949727289825noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8617200841976352704.post-55946442392474070242010-12-26T23:38:00.000-05:002010-12-26T23:38:03.034-05:00The more you try, the more it just comes crashing down around you.......<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><object width="320" height="266" class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="http://3.gvt0.com/vi/6nH3Mc_TvkM/0.jpg"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/6nH3Mc_TvkM&fs=1&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/6nH3Mc_TvkM&fs=1&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTnwKF4EZ7CqZhsucJaM1QrSmxdGZdhbn8zXv7oa1Az1bh4Jc9jGbD5gs5PJL68sifWpYkwzfNhZK7tFDsUw2an5wRb2HKJgz4Oak8nQcRhFjvCbLbqNRdIzDyOoTm95pVYUA__vjjCaM/s1600/Babycute.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTnwKF4EZ7CqZhsucJaM1QrSmxdGZdhbn8zXv7oa1Az1bh4Jc9jGbD5gs5PJL68sifWpYkwzfNhZK7tFDsUw2an5wRb2HKJgz4Oak8nQcRhFjvCbLbqNRdIzDyOoTm95pVYUA__vjjCaM/s320/Babycute.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span style="color: lime; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: x-large;"><strong>So , the past day or so has been good.... Rick and I are actually .... At peace with one another....We had a very very fun night of sexual bliss last night and tonight we are both just exhausted... I took my meds, including my last ambien, and it's starting to take it's affect already so if this comes out like jibberish I'm sorry...I am beginning to wonder why I even try sometimes.... It's like no matter what I do to get us to the top, things NEVER go that way!!!! I keep sitting here, wondering why I even try anymore ? I get this feeling in the pitt of my stomach and then it suddenly rises to my heart and then I get that over welming feeling that makes me just want to break down and cry..... I've made some pretty stupid choices in my life, and apparently I always will! It's like no matter what I try to do to catch up on bill's, I just can't.... I have this baby coming in less than 4 months and I can't do this! My husband is the most amazing man I have ever met..... He is loving, and tender, and he truly is my best friend..... Even after all we've been through..... I feel like such a failure as a wife and mother ... I never completed the things I wanted to.. I just made excuces as to why I couldn't.... Or wouldn't.. Like going back to school and getting a job so we didn't have to struggle.... Now I have a baby coming, more bill's.... And barely any money..... *sighs* My husband is so amazing I have a suprise for him when I get done writing this.... He loves it when I sing him this song...I haven't done it in quite awhile... And I know he'll love it.... I'm just beginning to think at this point we're never going to get caught up, and this baby will have almost nothing on his little butt when he comes home!!!!!!!</strong></span>Beautiful Mistakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13352982949727289825noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8617200841976352704.post-12670457346556230702010-12-25T15:53:00.002-05:002010-12-25T17:18:38.579-05:0010 REASONS WHY I LOVE YOU!!!!!!<strong><span style="color: purple; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: x-large;">I know that I am not the perfect wife, or mother.... And I know that I don't always show it but I am working on it.... I know that if it were a year ago we'd probably barely be speaking, even divorced...... So, to show my token of love... I am writing 10 reasons why I love you.... I hope you like.... And I'm serious in what I say so please no joke...</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: blue; font-family: Times; font-size: x-large;">1. Your a wonderful Father. Even though you don't think so, you are great.. And if it wasn't for you, the kids wouldn't really have anyone "stable".</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: blue; font-family: Times; font-size: x-large;">2. You are a wonderful husband.</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: blue; font-family: Times; font-size: x-large;">3. Even when you feel your shittiest, you still manage to pull something from deep down inside of you and continue moving on.</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: blue; font-family: Times; font-size: x-large;">4. You have a wonderful heart. Even though you have been through so much in your life, and I have put you through so much...</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: blue; font-family: Times; font-size: x-large;">5. You take care of us.</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: blue; font-family: Times; font-size: x-large;">6. Your sexy</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: blue; font-family: Times; font-size: x-large;">7. Your a great lover</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: blue; font-family: Times; font-size: x-large;">8. Your a great friend</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: blue; font-family: Times; font-size: x-large;">9. & 10. Because no matter what, in everything I have ever done to both you and the kids, for all my faults and all my mistakes... You still love me and I go to bed every night wondering why.... Why your still here, and why you love me at all.... </span></strong><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9F4LCo9eQykPCljd5IDKC5FAZlGIDTZDGlgQWe1aBIpLlcVzrwCzxqdFrR4dGriYcKeVtn9Ryd2FSfm7iE4nvTbuxaOIOyfJkyF5Ut0h8_rW45VZpTI9jVlFk_Bu4sxxUYsjqJL96u1M/s1600/heart-pink.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img border="0" height="240" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9F4LCo9eQykPCljd5IDKC5FAZlGIDTZDGlgQWe1aBIpLlcVzrwCzxqdFrR4dGriYcKeVtn9Ryd2FSfm7iE4nvTbuxaOIOyfJkyF5Ut0h8_rW45VZpTI9jVlFk_Bu4sxxUYsjqJL96u1M/s320/heart-pink.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><strong><span style="color: magenta; font-family: Times; font-size: x-large;">I love you, and I know that I don't always show it, but my life revovles around you and our children... And I don't know what I'd do if I ever woke up and you were gone from our lives.... Your truly my best friend and I don't ever want to lose you again...... And even though we've been through so much, and been apart not a day goes by that I wish I couldn't take it all back and make us what we once were......</span></strong>Beautiful Mistakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13352982949727289825noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8617200841976352704.post-75057743540431789942010-12-25T13:30:00.001-05:002010-12-25T13:33:02.163-05:00Merry Christmas!!!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiZb56LmHsYqhmsWJaa5ddLkRN4GzMZQO8milsfxyh_4tWs1N_qyFgi9dZYZ-MTlxYlVBzZbOkJABJ4y2RJejWAjD5AH67_ke_0EJKUCOQOSUJWZLcwIICc5QzSv56oYs4VTCzeNEXIMA/s1600/DSCN0760.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiZb56LmHsYqhmsWJaa5ddLkRN4GzMZQO8milsfxyh_4tWs1N_qyFgi9dZYZ-MTlxYlVBzZbOkJABJ4y2RJejWAjD5AH67_ke_0EJKUCOQOSUJWZLcwIICc5QzSv56oYs4VTCzeNEXIMA/s320/DSCN0760.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="left"><strong><span style="color: cyan; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Merry Christmas everyone! My children started waking at 5 AM this morning for the big event! Romero, not wanting to wait for everyone else.... I did finally get a little bit of sleep, but it's funny because my body doesn't really feel that "well rested".... Maybe I can actually go to sleep tonight and get more.... 3 day's with no sleep is alot on your body.... The kids enjoyed their presents. Cobra got what he really wanted for Christmas, that was a WWE wrestling ring with wrestlers.... Romero got alot of stuff, but is a little disappointed he didn't get the "Big Foot" he wanted.... All in all it's been a pretty quiet day so far... Shelby got a bunch of makeup, princess tea set, a baby doll, barbies.... She's been playing quietly in her room all by herself, and the boy's are sitting here wrestling.... We had an early dinner/lunch and me and Rick are tired.... I got some really comfy fuzzy socks from Romero along with a pair of fuzzy warm gloves, Shelby got me an indoor thermometer with hummingbirds on it, and Cobra got me a beautiful Butterfly calander! I got my Christmas present from Rick early this year and that was my wedding ring set and he also got me a pair of slippers because my feet have been so cold lately.... I feel bad because I didn't get Rick anything, but told him it would be a few days for his gift..... :( Wish I could have gotten him what I really wanted too..... In a few day's I will though.. Besides the never ending mess in my kitchen, and the urge to pee more often than I'd like, I'm actually not in that bad of a mood.... Just tired and hurting...... Well, Merry christmas everyone! </span></strong></div>Beautiful Mistakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13352982949727289825noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8617200841976352704.post-1760562611262304302010-12-24T02:29:00.000-05:002010-12-24T02:29:24.033-05:00How I Met My Husband......<strong><em><span style="color: red; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">My husband and I didn't meet in society's "normal" way as you might call it.... We met in the new age.. LOL... I was about 16 year's old maybe 17 and was on the latest internet fad... WEBTV! ( No longer around)....I happened to be in one of my favorite chatroom's one day when a screen name popped up in pink.. ( that's how you new it was a private message)... The name I will enver forget...ZombieCatfish... He said hello, and I just ignored him... I kept ignoring him and he wouldn't leave me alone... Finally, I said something to him... We started talking and clicked....I was grieving, and so was he... He had just lost someone very close to him, and I was mourning the loss of my mother... We began talking everyday.. All day, all night.... He was late for work because we just couldn't stop talking... I found myself falling quickly...Being so young I figured he was just out for a piece of ass..I kept all my feelings from him.. The worst mistake of my life...... </span></em></strong><br />
<strong><em><span style="color: red; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"> Once I realized that what I was feeling was love..... I got scared...I ended up changing my email address and ignoring him totally.... I missed him dearly, but I just couldn't tell him I was in love with him... I figured with my age, he'd reject me.. or he would tell me that we could only be friends and that was it... I couldn't handle that.... So a year or so went by and I met someone else online.. Around my age.... His name was Brandon..We met the same way and became the best of friends.... By this time I had dropped out of school, and I secluded myself from the rest of the world.... Brandon and I talked non stop..... </span></em></strong><br />
<strong><em><span style="color: red; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"> At 17 I ended up marrying for the first time to someone I thought I loved.... He was 20 year's older than me, and blind... I worked and he collected disability... We had a big age difference between us so of course he didn't understand being a teenager..Once we got married, he changed.. Became very abusive... Yelling and screaming, hitting.... We decided to move out of town and try and buy a house.... By this time he had bought me a computer and I was alway's online.... And in the back of my mind, I was alway's thinking of him...</span></em></strong><br />
<strong><em><span style="color: red; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"> One night I was talking to Brandon on MSN when he asked me if he could bring a friend of his into the conversation... I didn't care.... So he brings in a screen name that made me stop dead in my tracks... ZombieCatfish....I immediately started punching away at the keys.... OMG OMG OMG!!!!! It was him!!! My heart just jumped... I began talking to him asking how everything was and if he missed me, and what not all the while Brandon was in total confusion .... I told him that this is the guy I was talking to him about.... He couldn't believe it... I immediately sent an email to Rick ( my husband) telling him how I felt... And the reason I ran away was because of my feelings.... It was then that my heart sank..... He wrote me back and replied... "I love you too"...... It was then that him and I started our own conversation and caught up on the past year.... A few nights later, I decided that I had enough and wanted out ... that's when he decided that we had to be together... So, I wrote a bum check on my husbands and I's joint account and booked.... Took a 31 hour bus ride from Missouri to New York and the rest is history....... </span></em></strong>Beautiful Mistakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13352982949727289825noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8617200841976352704.post-26644514373239653132010-12-23T19:40:00.001-05:002010-12-24T00:12:50.116-05:00When Will I Sleep ?????<strong><span style="color: magenta; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">So, this makes day 2 of my wonderful sleepless adventure! It started Tuesday night ... I tossed and turned, and got up every 2 hours literally to go pee...Then last night I even took a shower.... I took my usual.. My lamictal, my folic acid, my benedryl... Still nothing.... I am so tired!!! I layed in bed all day today trying to fall asleep and still nothing!!! I called my Dr. ( the physc) and left a message for him.. He finally call's me back and tells me that he wants me to increase my benedryl up to 100 mg, and take 2mg of halidol with it... It that doesn't work to go up to 4 mg.... If I still haven't slept by Monday to call him back..... *sighs* I am so tired! My body is so tired.... But I can't sleep... I don't know what's wrong...I am just so tired and all I want is sleep!!!! I wish that my husband could understand.. he thinks its really no big deal, but me going without sleep is not good for the baby and he's already starting to feel the affects of it.... He's not moving as much as he normally does... Benedryl is safe during pregnancy, and walking is out of the question when there's snow on the ground and I can barely walk anyway due to the fact that my hips and my back are fucked!!! *sighs* I just want some peaceful sleep and I can't seem to get that! Not to mention the kids are officially on Christmas Break!!! Yea!! </span></strong>Beautiful Mistakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13352982949727289825noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8617200841976352704.post-11359056714763400062010-12-22T16:02:00.000-05:002010-12-22T16:02:58.965-05:00Hormones ???? Or REALITY ???<strong><span style="color: lime; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, last night as I'm laying in bed I began to cry....My husband asks me what's wrong and all the sudden the flood gates open and here come the emotions... Suddenly I am laying there crying uncontrollably, and I feel like the biggest piece of shit that ever lived! Of course he asks me what's wrong and I just didn't even know where to start..... He keeps asking me what's wrong so I break down and tell him.. That I feel like the most horrible person in the world....Not just because I'm pregnant but because I am bringing another child into this world that I really can't take care of, my children are soooo fucked up because of my mistakes .... Walking out on my kids, never being there, cheating on my husband.. Fact is I don't deserve him or my children..... But something that I fail to realize or want to accept is that for some strange reason..... No matter what I've done...... My children still love me..... I don't know why on Earth they do, but they do.... Cobra is alway's looking for the perfect gift for me for Mother's Day, Christmas, My Birthday.... Everything has to be the perfect gift....... I just really makes you think and wonder why me ? After everything, why is my husband still here ??? Why does he still love me when he should have nothong but the upmost hate and disgust for me ??? Why does he stay ??? Why do my kids love me ? I want it all to be different with Hawk... I want him to grow up with me there... I don't want to go through the same shit I did with them.... I suppose it's better late than never.... </span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="color: lime; font-family: Arial;"> On another note I will be so glad when he's here!!!! I haven't slept all day or all night and I am utterly EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tried laying down today and couldn't fall asleep!!!! </span></strong>Beautiful Mistakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13352982949727289825noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8617200841976352704.post-57506891675817780472010-12-21T21:51:00.000-05:002010-12-21T21:51:47.095-05:00Living in a Country that is falling apart!<strong><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">I have quickly become a fan of the show Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura and I have quickly come to the realization that everything he's said actually makes sense...I mean... Come on.. Last week's episode was totally an eye opener... It was about 911.... How there is evidence that a plane NEVER hit the pentagon! A woman was an eye witness.... She said it sounded like a bomb going off, and she literally got up and walked out of the hole that it created and she doesn't remember seeing a plane... None of the news footage that was released show's any signs of a plane.... The plane was going way too fast to even hit the building.. There are just too many holes in the government and FBI's story of what really happened. They claimed they NEVER found the 4 black boxes of those plains, but yet there are several people who have seen them..... What really get's me is living in a country where the government is trying kill it's people..... The land of the free and the home of the brave my ass! I mean really wtf! Seriously, everything that he bring's to the table every week does make a lot of sense... It just really makes me sick to think that I'm bringing my children up in a world that is trying to slowly kill us all off.... I wish I could win the lottery and move somewhere like Canada.... Your health insurance is paid for, your car insurance, you can leave your front door open and unlocked at night and you don't have to worry at night about someone coming into your house... Your not living in a world where it's falling apart!!! It's depressing! No matter how much you try and get ahead in this world, that fucked up wanna be president just fucks you over even more! I mean seriously, this new health bill/law he's trying to get passed.. Yea it may benefit some, but what about the one's that he's trying to fuck over ? He's trying to get rid of medicaid and medicare all together just to get another fucking buck in his pocket and the pockets of those money hungry insurance theives! I mean seriously! He wants to punish and fine those that don't have health insurance! What about those people who are disabled and who can't work ? That have to be on medicaid in order to get their health concerns addressed and taken care of ? Your going to fuck them over by telling them they just have to suffer ? I mean seriously! That's stupid! This country made the biggest mistake of their lives when they elected that no good islam bastard into office! he's done nothing but make things worse for us in this country and I hope they don't pass his healthcare reform! It's stupid!!! And alot of people are going to die because of it!!!! ****GRRRRRR***** I fucking hate the governement, and everyone in it! They're doing nothing for us! I bet our 4 father's are turning over in their graves!!!! They didn't create this country and the government for it to turn out like this!!!! </span></strong>Beautiful Mistakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13352982949727289825noreply@blogger.com0