BULL SHIT DRAMA I DONT NEED OR WANT!!!!

Ok so get this fucking shit...Apparently, ( and I just found this out the other day) my sister in law's stupid ass alcoholic boyfriend decided before Christmas that he was leaving her for his ex.. Mind you this is NOT the first time he's done this.... Now, I don't really give 2 shits what his problem is or why he keeps doing this but the only way that I really care about it is because everytime he does this it fucks with Shelby really badly because she's attatched to him and call's him "Uncle Billy"..... Anyway apparently his ugly ex man lady person sent him a card before Christmas saying she was coming back and for him..... So he decided that he was leaving.... So the other day he left! Well, I had some shit going on with Shelby and I called to tell her how it was going and this bitch is so self absorbed and cares nothing at all about anyone but herself that she had the nerve to tell me "I can't talk right now, I don't wanna talk right now".. So I said Whatever and hung up on her.... She tried calling me back and I ignored her call! Fuck her! If she's too self absorbed and cares about nothing more than her fucking stupid ass alcoholic boyfriend leaving her than she does her own REAL FAMILY then fuck her ass! So Jasmine ( my niece) made a comment on Facebook about how could he leave her mom for an ugly man lady... Well Rick made a comment being himself and she replied "Thanks real fucking nice that my own family gives a fuck about me" or some shit like that... So I replied back and told her "Yea well I can say the same thing for you! You would rather give 2 shits about his dumb fucking ass than your own neice and newphews" .... So she fires off at the fucking mouth tonight. Calling me a whore, and a bad mother and all this other shit..... Fact of the matter is, I'm not the one who sits on their lazy fat ass and expects for everyone to do feel sorry for me! All she does is cry and whine and pitch a big ol' fit like a fucking baby when she can't get what she wants! For God's sake she uses my poor mother in law for her personal ATM ALL THE TIME and bitches at my poor mother in law for not having money there avaialble for her!!!! I mean granted Rick and I owe his parent's money, but at least we make an effort to pay it back unlike her!
 I told her to go fuck herself! I mean fuck her! When I was 18 weeks pregnant and in the hospital I almost went into labor with the baby she didn't even have the nerve to call me or come see me! I had to call her! When I did call her all she could complain about was how  she was bleeding excessively and didn't want to go to the hospital because she knew they would admit her.. Well.. NOT MY PROBLEM! If you KNOW you need help, and you refuse to get it then what happens to you is all your fault and no one else's!!!!!!!! Fact of the matter is my sister in law is one of those that whine's, gripes, bitches, moans and groans but is too lazy to do anything for herself! she lockes herself in her bedroom all the time, and only comes around family when it's conveinent for her! Now mind you I offered to help her.... I told her I couldn't help her if she didn't talk to me..But she just "shuts down" and doesn't.... What really get's me is that she KNEW he was leaving and she had plenty of time to get used to the idea and get over it!!!!!!! So she starts running her 400lb fat fucking mouth telling me that I'm a horrible mother and I care more about my boyfriends and shit than I do my own kids and I'm a whore and everything else... I admit fully to everyone now more than ever that I have fucked up!!!! I admit that! But unlike Kim I am getting help for my issues! I am on my medication *unlike her* and going to therapy and to see a Dr. Why ? Because I fucked up a lot in my life but more so with my husband and my children and I want more than anything for that to be better than it ever was or could be!!!! And I am working hard for that!!!! So yea, the old me may have been a horrible person, but I am working everyday to become a better one! What can she say for herself ? She let's her daughter dress like a whore ( No offense to my niece I love her), Rick thinks that she's pimping her out.....LOL...She refuses to get Jasmine on medication or into therapy ... She talks about me..... Then she tries to tell me that I have tried to dump Shelby off on her and shit... Fact of the matter is when we're not medication and Shelby needs an adjustment I have asked Kim to take her from time to time because I can't handle her .....But Shelby has gotten to the point where she doesn't want to go to Aunt Kimmies house because it smell's like cat piss, and it's dirty! Kim has a lot of issues.. She's fucking sick and I'm going to be sad at the day when my inlaws die, but laugh @ her when her personal ATM is gone and she can no longer drain her bank account!!!! And what Kim fails to realize is that my mother in law is her dedicated payee.. SSI and Disability have stated (I saw with my own eyes) that she cannot handle her own money because of her mental issues.. When my mother in law is gone and dies, her money and management will be left up to another family member or a state agency will take over..... It has to be someone she can trust ... She doesn't have many people...She's just a lonely soul.. Everytime she has a BF they leave her for someone else or they go back to their wives or some shit.... It's quite funny.....
 She plays herself off to be QUEEN FUCKING BEE.. When all she really is ... Is just a lonely, sad fat ass bitch who's going to lose more than just her family..... I told her I'm done... She's no longer welcome to come to the hospital to see my son when he's born and she is to stay away from my kids....... I won't be on for awhile after Monday.... We are losing our internet and phone until Feb 1st.... Anyway I'm done with her fat ass and her fucking drama! I have reall issues to worry about and deal with.. Not just "Oh boo hoo.. Feel sorry for me because I had a man leave me again"........ Fact of the matter is if she wasn't so ugly, fat, and treated them so poorly she might still have a man...LMMFAO......

I Can't Keep Doing This......

So, once again we find ourselves at the wonderful time of day... BEDTIME! The kids had a bath for the first time in a few weeks.. ( NO NOT LIKE THAT) Most of the time they take showers because #1. it's easier on us, #2. it takes so long to fill up the bath tub, they make a mess and they like to be in there forever until the water is ice cold! So, I let them take a bath tonight so Shelby could use her bubble bath that Santa brought her... Well, when she gets out I always tell her brush her teeth and let's brush out her hair. If I don't brush out her hair the night before, it's so much of a mess the next morning that she screams.. I told her to get herself dressed and such, and that I would brush out her hair when she was finished... She started with a screaming fit ! She started screaming because I wanted to brush her hair and I wouldn't let her bring a toy into my bedroom that was filled with water and would drip water all over my floor. She screamed for a good 2 hours having a fit! Throwing stuff, threatning to kill me and the baby.... I am in the kitchen trying to do dinner dishes and load the dishwasher and she's all the way at the other end of the house screaming and the baby can still hear her.... He's kicking and flipping up a storm.... I can't deal with much more of this... She has an appointment on the 17th with a physc Dr. to manage her meds but OMG! This is not working... I am going to end up in pre-term labor because of her! Not to mention it stresses me out to the max and Rick certainly isn't getting any better.... Having her put in the hospital is NOT AN OPTION AGAIN! I've done that once and I can't do that to her again... Eventhough I get stressed out and can't handle it, I can't put her in the hospital again so this Dr. better not even try to go there with me! I have recorded video of her on my camera throwing things, screaming, pictures of the stuff she's broken..... I just can't handle this anymore ! Oh let's not forget that I had to fucking hear about how I should just give birth to Hawk and leave and get a divorce! That I'm no good, I'm worthless, I'm a fat ass lazy bitch, ect.... ect.....I'm just so sick of this! At this point I'm begging to be hit by a fucking MAC TRUCK! Maybe then everyone would be happy!

I'm Going To End Up In PreTerm Labor.......

So, not only have I been dealing with my own issues with trying to figure out how to get baby stuff and what not before he get's here.... Well, I posted an add on craigslist trying to find anyone in the area that might have some baby boy stuff they might have that they would like to get rid of or sell for a cheap price... Well, I got several responses... People with car seats and bassinets and such.. Then I got an email from a woman who has a 19 month old little boy and she said that she had baby clothes from 0-9 mos. possibly 12 mos, a car seat, a bassinet, ect... She said all the stuff was donated to her, so she was willing to donate her stuff to me.... She even has a crib that she has no mattress for, but she's willing to get rid of it all!!! I have appointment tomorrow in Troy anyway because Rick and I have decided that we want for our final child to be born at home.... So we are going to meet with the midwives and such and when I'm done we are going to see about picking the stuff up.... It is a huge relief off my shoulder's if we actually get this stuff because then I will really only have to worry about diapers, wipes, bottles, binki's and such....
  Shelby has been getting worse... The mirror that's on my spare bathroom door she punched the other night and broke it! She's out of control.... Dr. Adeson think's she might be having seizures.. And if so, then the type of seizure she's having, is causing an alter of her moods .... If not, then she is just seriously crazy... I don't know.. But everytime she starts her shit I feel bad because I walk away from her and leave Rick to deal with it.. Everytime she starts I have to.... The baby is starting to flip out everytime she does this! He'll be fine, and then all the sudden her change in attitude or the slightest high pitched voice and he just starts flipping out .. Even causing me to contract the other night it was so bad!!!! He can't even tolerate her voice and shit! She has totally trashed her room, refuses to do anything flips out at the slightest bit of a mood swing..... It's horrible! She has an appointment on the 17th with a Dr. to manage her meds and hopefully by then we'll know if she's having seizures or not.....I just can't take much more! If she keeps this up I'm going to end up going into premature labor!!! She's now scareming in her room that no one cares about her! She takes Clonodine, and Melatonin to help her sleep.. She hasn't even been in there long enough to try and fall asleep!!! She's screaming that she wants a Benadryl to help her sleep!!!! I can't take much more of this! My father in law is here tonight and I think she's acting out because he's here.... He's spending the night so that he  can get the kids on the bus tomorrow and get them off if we're not home in time.......
 I am just so tired of this! I got up early today because Rick was sick last night so I wanted him to get some rest but I woke up feeling really shitty because my throat is sore, my nose is stuffy again and I feel like I'm getting sick again! I want to take a shower, but I'm  tired and I've got a huge headache! *sighs* I just don't know what to do anymore.... At this point I give up.....

Hinder - Better Than Me

So true.... After everything I've done.. You deserve much better than me.. :(

I Totally Give The Fuck up!!!!

So, I think that for once things are going to be ok and I can start to relax a little about everything something more happens...I try to get caught up on everything, then I get behind again...It's literally coming down to the wire... January 1 is just literally hours away and I am already having to give up some of the thing's I picked out that were really nice for the baby because we don't have the money.... The sucky thing about it all... I have NO FAMILY or friends that can throw me a shower and help me aquire the thing's that I need for him so I'm left to do this all on my own.... Tomorrow I'm going to go to the Salvation Army and see if I can't find some clothes onesies and such for him that way.... If I thought I felt shitty yesterday, then tonight I just feel like an even bigger piece of it!
  I'm sitting here right now trying not cry.... I feel so useless... I can't even get the thing's that I want to because we just don't have the money... And I can't count on Rick's family to help.. His Mom and Dad are bitching they're broke, and his sister I guess is too worried about her own shit to care....It's time's like this I wish .... Hell, I don't know  what I wish anymore..... Now, I feel like I should just lay down and die and not even be here at all.... I'm just so sick of trying and getting no where.... I am the biggest fuck up that ever lived ..... It will NEVER change... It could have changed, but I was just too stupid and too lazy to make it......... :(  I have a wonderful husband who thinks I'm nothing more than a lazy fat ass bitch who only cares about herself ( which isn't true).... I only deserve what I get.. And I guess Karma is coming back to bite me in the ass......

Rihanna - Love The Way You Lie (Part 2) ft. Eminem LYRICS

Feeling Really Shitty now...........

Well, I went to see my phsyc Dr. today ... He prescribed me Serequel, a 30 day supply of Ambien to take if the Serequel and upped my Lamictal to 75 mg.... On the way down to the Dr. I started to feel really shitty.... I'm really actually excited about Hawk and can't wait to meet him.... But with the other's I happy to be pregnant, but just "lost it" after awhile... I just feel like such a piece of shit mother ! Not to mention I am having the stress and pressure of figuring shit out about baby stuff, bill's, ect.... And I'm having to listen to Rick tell me how bad his fucking life and how much he wishes he was dead ...... Like I don't feel bad enough already for the things that have happened and feel bad enough alone for the shit that's happening now... Thanks a million....... I start therapy on the 13th of Jan, but Rick can't come because this therapist is a BITCH! IDK....I'm just so sick of this shit! Not to fucking mention Rick spent all that time oustside shoveling snow and to get the Truck unburried the other day and for what ? SOME ASSHOLE parked in our spot today when we got back! It pisses me the fuck off! The rest of the parking lot is NOT plowed, no one parks in the neighbors spot which is the 1st one.. But they think they can park in mine ? Fuck that! You didn't shovel it out! What makes you so special ? I am just so fucking pissed ... And tired and have a huge headache.. But it doesn't matter..... Never does........ Wished I could just crawl in a hole and fucking die!